I just made out with a guy for $7.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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