You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
