I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
