I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Randomize
