I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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