Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
