she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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