Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
