The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I came so hard my ears popped.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
