I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
