I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
