i just identified you from a description of your pipe
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Drake has all the answers
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
