If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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