seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
