Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Randomize
