made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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