just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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