I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
