So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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