3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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