So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
