you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
