I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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