Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
