is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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