And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
