I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
We had sex on a dog bed..
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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