barbara walters just said penis...
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
