How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
