I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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