My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
