saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
