the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Randomize
