Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
