I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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