i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
