I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
