I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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