The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Randomize
