I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Drunk is not a location!
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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