You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Randomize
