Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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