this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
