I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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