Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
