Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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