i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
