I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I love you. Go after that dick
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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