Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
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