When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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